Monday, August 08, 2005

I've been something of a slacker lately...at least when it comes to writing. It's not that I haven't been doing anything, but I guess I haven't much felt like writing about it.

So, some of the exciting things I have been doing lately include:
Numerous trips to the club for fun and flailing,
An expedition to Mount Greylock,
Another weekend in NH,
A business trip to CA and Chicago,
An outing to Salem,
and A trip to the zoo.

I've also spent a good portion of my time working on my knitting. I've taught myself how to do entrelac, have played with dyeing yarn, and have made another fingerless mitten (though I have yet to make its mate). I am probably going to do some lace work, and start a sweater as my next projects. I have a completely unreasonable amount of yarn.

Additionally, I've been reading more lately. I had definitely slacked off on this respect for some time, and have been making a conscious effort to read some of the books that have been waiting for me. In that spirit, I have read several books in the last 2 months:
The Plague Tales and The Burning Road by Ann Benson
Shade's Children by Garth Nix
Madame de Treymes and Others by Edith Wharton
Secrets & Confidances edited by Karen Eng
Mirror Mirror by Gregory Maguire
The Whole by John Reed
Sloppy Seconds by Megan McCafferty

I get a lot more reading done when I am suffering from insomnia.

Otherwise, not a whole lot of interesting developments. I seem to have suddenly development feminine wiles, but am not totally comfortable (or experienced) in using them. However, I managed to score a free upgrade to Mustang convertible, when renting a car, got some free yarn and knitting needles at a trade show, and actually spoke to a member of the opposite sex at the club. 'Course, I haven't mastered the whole dancing-with-someone-else thing, and lost the boy during my flailing...but still, it's a start. Being single might have been great 10 years ago, but it's getting a little old now (like me, ha ha). It sucks that the people I have been interested in generally turn out to be assholes. I don't want another relationship where the person who was supposed to love me was embarrassed to be seen in public with me. I'm finally starting to be comfortable with who I am, and what I look like, and I'd like the person I'm with to be the same. It's at least nice that people have been noticing me, flattering, even when I'm not interested. But it's even more nice to be interested, and so far, whatever thing it is that makes me notice someone, hasn't happened...or at least not with someone who seemed to be noticing me back. There's a sort of trend in the people that seem to find me attractive: they are already dating someone else, are female, or are just completely unattractive to me. I'm starting to think that this is the universe's way of telling me that I should either a) learn to share, b) be a lesbian, or c) be less picky. Frankly, I am tired of being alone, but none of these options seem that good to me. I don't want to settle. I know too many people who have done that, and it breaks my hear to see them trying to convince themselves and others that they are happy with the fake life they have made for themselves.

...Well, that went somewhere I didn't intend when I started writing, however, I'm not going to delete it, as much as part of me thinks I should.

In other news, I have been looking for a new job. Although I love the "work" part of my job, the people leave something to be desired. That's not true. Some of the people leave something to be desired. Some of them are great. I really like at least 3 of the people with whom I work. The rest of them? Well....
At least part of my decision is monetarily based. As much as I hate to admit it, I have materialistic needs, and the current position is just not supporting them. I don't live extravagently...but it shouldn't strain my budget to go out to a club once a week, see a movie once in a while, go out to dinner, or buy a friend a birthday present. As it is, sometimes I can't afford to eat, not that I miss it, since I am a mass of anxiety-induced stomach problems. Too often, lately, my friends have bought me dinner, or paid for a movie, or whatever...and I am wracked with guilt because I have absolutely no hope of paying them back. I have great friends. They know that I am in a bad place right now, and are quick to reassure me that it's okay. But I still feel like a shit. I have an offer to go to dinner tomorrow night with a friend I haven't seen in months, and I don't want to say no...but my stomach knots up when I start to wonder how I am going to pay for a dinner.

So...life has it's ups and downs...as always. I have had some fun, and some less fun times. But I keep chugging away, always hopeful (stupidly perhaps) that tomorrow will be a better day.

Though it would probably help if I got some sleep.

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